Fragments

sick

Mauritz — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:00:30 +0000

I’ve been sick for like 3 weeks now. Jesus murphy, if I ever wanted to die… Seriously, it’s like fucking impossible to have the flu for that long, unless it’s influenza. My hypochondriac self is totally telling me it is. And I don’t even eat pork! On the good side, I’m still a size 0. Never will a body look more skinny and beautiful…

in paris for a while

Mauritz — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 03:39:25 +0000

So I’ve been away for a month now and it was just unbearable, so I’m back for the weekend with boyfriend, stepson and cat. Not my idea of a sexcapade but it shall be fun nonetheless.

The wall

Mauritz — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 02:39:22 +0000

I’ve built these walls never realizing how thick they were getting because all the while I went on loving, caring, smiling, laughing. Yet still the wall grew — a silent, standing guard between the outside world and my heart.

If I tear down just one layer, I could ruin everything, my mind constantly reminds me. I could end up hurting someone.

I could end up hurting myself.

And so I hold myself back and the wall keeps building. I can still feel; I can still love. But not fully, and not completely. Because that would mean letting someone in behind this wall I’ve so carefully constructed.

And I’m afraid what that might mean.

Yes. Sometimes, I’m afraid of finding happiness.

http://4chanarchive.org/brchive/dspl_thread.php5?thread_id=45282001&x=chinese+restaurant+delivery+boy

Past knocking on my door

Mauritz — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 04:37:49 +0000

Someone from my past just knocked on my door the other day. It was very random and far from expected. But I loved it. It’s just so great when someone with whom you once had something – or, in my case, sort of had something – just comes back into your life. Well, it should be noted that there never was drama involved in *that* relationship, so I suppose it’s alright. Otherwise, it’s not as great.

Yup, life’s pretty awesome right now. I’ve saved enough money to buy a bike, so I’m taking the test next week to get my permit and finally stop using the public transportation system. Seriously, pretending to have a ticket can be so boring.

My brother is living with me now too. We’re having fun, even when he’s awake when I’m not, and I’m up when he’s not, but yeah, it’s working out alright. The little fucker is leaving for Argentina as soon as 2009 is over and then going to backpack around the world for like a year or so. A bit jealous about it, but I’ve done my share of traveling, I suppose I can only be happy for him getting his.

Me, on my part, I’m currently looking for places to visit during the holidays. Italy is always a great option since my best friend lives there. In the end, I’m pretty sure I’ll end up in some creepy ass hostel somewhere in Eastern Europe celebrating New Year’s on my own. Not that bad either. There’s nothing like tranquility to start a new year.

Yeah, we’ll see how it goes…

So I have a job..

Mauritz — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:35:37 +0000

Things are looking up finally. My brother is out of the hospital and doing just fine. I’m ok too. I adopted a kitten some days ago, I’m seriously considering on keeping him, at least till he’s old enough to look out for himself… But what’s really great is that I’ve finally gotten a job! Ok, it’s at a gay bar, so it’s not really that great, but the money is just awesome! So apparently I have to sleep with customers, but hey, I’ve been whoring myself for years for free, nothing bad can happen for getting some money out of it. I’ve already earned almost 1500 in 4 days only. I love my life!

Of boners and…

Mauritz — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:30:10 +0000

So I haven’t had sex in like… two weeks and some days. For many people that’s nothing, but for me it’s a lifetime. And I haven’t played with myself either because… well, I’m afraid I will bleed to death if I do – after undergoing surgery and all, jacking off doesn’t sound like the best idea, right?

Anyway, I was at the hospital yesterday – nothing new there. Turns out I popped a boner just before the x-rays. Oh, explaining the doctors that I could not stand up for the following ten minutes was about the highlight of the month.

Yeah, to the doctors and to a friend. And by friend I mean, someone I used to sleep with it. Why was he there with me? Don’t even know where to start. To make the incredibly long story short: Met him when I was 15, and eventually started dating. A year and a half later, epic break up. Then life happened, for a couple of years, then randomly ran into him at a bar back in Paris, and, hmmm… yeah, so we slept together, why not? Gave him my mobile, huge mistake. Then moved to Rouen, then to Melbourne, talked to him every once in a while (like once every 97519503 months) and a couple of weeks ago we met up for coffee and cigarettes (out of boredom) and… yeah, so that’s pretty much it.

Yes, because all the current drama going on in my life is apparently not enough. Like it ever is.

High on Paracetamol

Mauritz — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 02:09:37 +0000

Title says it all… I’m supposed to take a shitload of painkillers, but no matter how many I take, I still feel like my insides are gonna explode.

Anyway, so I went to the hospital yesterday. I go there everyday but whatever, point is, I was there. After the check-ups, I went to my brother’s room – big mistake. He can’t even talk. But the worst part is looking into his eyes. They look so lifeless, as if he was no longer there.

Someone told me I shouldn’t stop visiting him, but it’s just so hard to do it. I always go there with this wonderful monologue in mind to make him smile or to at least make him forget, if even for a moment, the current situation.

Yeah, that sounds great, except that it never happens. I can’t even say hello to him, I just start crying my eyes out. I’m sure that’s helping my brother out a lot.

Anyway, I suppose I should try to get some sleep now. The meds are kicking in…

Restless

Mauritz — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 01:46:36 +0000

I don’t know where to start.

I’m afraid my brother will die. I’m even more afraid because I know it’s all my fault. Had I not been such a fucking cunt these past years, none of this would had ever happened.

I was supposed to go first. Fuck, I was prepared to go first. Everything was carefully planned. Everything but this.

How was I to know my brother would end up being my donor?

Yes, I always knew he wasn’t alright with my decision. Said decision being not letting him donate his kidney to me. I consciously fucked up mines, why should I even have another chance at life? Why would I want to anyway?

I’ve been drinking since I was 13, I’ve been sleeping around since 14, and doing drugs since I was 15. Seriously? I’m fucking 22 now, my life is completely fucked up as it is… and yet… I am here, alive, while my brother, the only person that’s ever looked out for me, is in the hospital.

I would kill myself in no time if I knew Julien would be alright…

If only I knew he would be alright…